"I ran away from a person who behaved terribly and was dangerous. He allowed himself to raise his hand to me. He caused terrible rows, tried to put pressure on me and humiliate me, and my son saw all this," says Oksana.
Before the full-scale invasion began, Oksana and her two children lived with her partner. However, he began to be violent. Oksana was able to overcome it and start a new life as an independent and self-sufficient woman thanks to the "VONA hub" career project, which was launched by UNFPA, with the support of the British Embassy and the USAID Bureau of Humanitarian Assistance (BHA).
Oksana told UNFPA how her life had changed.
"War is not an experience I want to endure"
On February 24, we woke up because the whole house was shaking. At that time, we lived next to Chornobayivka, and the first rockets had just arrived there. I woke up in horror. The children did not hear because they were asleep. My partner and I immediately guessed that it was most likely the war had started, and we had to do something.
War is not an experience I would want to go through, and absolutely not an experience I would want my children to have. That is why I immediately decided that to leave our city.
At first, we tried to persuade our parents to leave with us, they did not want to, because they did not believe that the war would last long.
My partner and I took our children and pets and evacuated. We drove for a very long time. The journey, which usually takes 6 – 7 hours, this time took 14 hours. This was our first day of war.
"I understood that the next stage is resuscitation"
I had my first experience of violence in my first marriage. Out of anger, my husband hit me hard. It was the first time. I thought - it's okay, it's unpleasant, but at least he didn't beat me.
After some time, a similar thing happened again. I called his mother and told her that her son had somehow decided that he had the right to behave like that. His mother replied that firstly, I should analyse my own behaviour. This was the end of our dialogue.
The third time in this family was the last time. He hit me and threw me on the floor. I didn't break anything, but I got bruises and I was very depressed. At that moment, I understood that the next stage would require my resuscitation. If a person has already progressed to the point of throwing me on the floor and hitting me, then the next time I will be taken to hospital with a broken arm or rib. So I took my children and went to my parents.
"I sat and thought, did I perceive the whole episode correctly?"
My parents accepted me and my children in their home, but there was no moral support. Nobody said that you can't behave like that, you can't allow yourself to be treated like that.
Fortunately, even without support, I didn't go back into that relationship. It was the idea of resuscitation that brought me to my senses. I also thought about the children, because I understood that if my children witnessed all this, they would eventually meet the same scenario in their adult lives. They will think that it is normal, that everyone lives like this. My daughter will allow her future husband to beat her, and my son will beat his wife. And I didn't want that; it also kept me from going back to my ex-husband.
But the history of violence in my life did not end then. There were similar cases in new relationships. This time I faced persecution.
"I was very scared when I imagined what would happen if he found me"
My new partner made a terrible scandal. He tried to put pressure on me and humiliate me. And my son saw what was happening, that his mother was now being insulted and that he had to protect me. At that moment, I understood that this was the last straw.
No matter how good, beautiful and wonderful a man is, if he is ready to fight with your child - that's the end. I did not want to see my son fight with my husband or partner.
When the war started, I left Kherson region with my new partner, but later I ran away from him with my children and changed cities twice. In a new city, I noticed that when I was sitting by my laptop, the camera suddenly turned on, although, I did not have Skype turned on. I realized that something was wrong. My son also confirmed that when he was playing on the laptop, the camera could turn on. We didn't pay much attention to it then; we thought it might be a fault.
Later, as an internally displaced person, I filled out an application for assistance and received a call from a woman who introduced herself as a volunteer and said she knew that I needed help.
It turned out that she was not a volunteer. At the end of our conversation, this woman sent a me a screenshot which showed that someone had sent her my full address – city, street, house number, apartment number, and asked her to see how I was getting on there.
I realized who could be involved in this and was afraid for my safety, so I started lying about my life to others. My last lie was that I went to Vinnytsia to visit my sister. Only my parents, who do not communicate with my partner, my brother and my sister knew that I went to Ivano-Frankivsk. No one else knew.
I was very scared when I imagined what could happen if he came here. He might stand by the door again and then all the screams, rows and threats would resume. I really didn't want that. I was very scared and didn't know what to do. My boundaries were breached, my personal life was no longer my personal life. I understood that I was being watched and in fact that I wasn't hiding.
"I was very scared and decided to call the career counsellor of the project "VONA hub"
When they sent me that screenshot, I realized that this person knew where I lived. I again had this picture in front of my eyes, how he tried to fight with my child, and I realized that this should not happen. I had to protect myself somehow, but I wouldn’t be able to do it alone.
I decided to call Tetyana, the career advisor of the "VONA hub" project, to ask what I should do in this situation. I didn't have anyone else to ask.
I knew about the "VONA hub" for a completely different reason. There was an announcement on the Internet about recruiting women who are in difficult life circumstances to study on IT courses.
At that time, I was in Vinnytsia at my sister’s home. It was a difficult period, because it was when I left this person with my children. It's hard to recall what I was going through inside. I had a terrible past. There were a lot of problems in my head. At some point, I stopped sleeping and eating. I was just in a fog. And when I saw this advertisement on the Internet, I realized that I needed these courses to fill in my head with studies.
I applied, they called me and told me about the courses and the hub. That's how I became a client.
And the experts of the hub became not just advisers, but real support for me. When I was afraid of persecution, the career counsellor was near me. She supported me, calmed me down, helped me get a hold of myself. She described an algorithm of actions, what to do now and what to do in case he finds me. Tetyana called me periodically to check how I handled all of this. She advised me to go to a shelter, because he knew where I lived, and I could hide there so that he does not find me.
Such hubs are extremely important, because you understand that you are not alone in this problem. That it's not something wrong with you, but that such situations happen. When you understand that you are not alone, that others have faced such problems and were able to get out of this circle of violence, then you realize that you also have a chance.
It is not always possible to turn to relatives or acquaintances, but “VONA hub” always helps in every possible way. This is the most important thing.
"VONA hub" is a project aimed at developing the professional potential and financial capacity of women who have suffered from domestic / gender-based violence or are in the risk group. More information about the project and addresses of local hubs can be found via the link: https://www.vonahub.org.ua/
The VONA hub is implemented by UNFPA with the financial support of the the British Embassy and the USAID Bureau of Humanitarian Assistance (BHA).
