"For four years, violence was part of my life. All this time, It felt like I could see myself dying” says Liubov
Liubov, a 60-year-old survivor of domestic violence from Zhytomyr, shares her story of four years of abuse in her second marriage. It started with psychological violence and material dependence, but with the help of specialists, Liubov was able to break free from the cycle of violence. During the peak of aggression from her husband, Liubov remembered the phone number of the mobile brigade of social and psychological assistance supported by UNFPA and USAID Bureau of Humanitarian Aid. She made the call that potentially saved her life.
"Signs appeared almost immediately"
I had a wonderful marriage and a loving husband. But, unfortunately, he passed away. The next relationship was hell.
When we started dating, my second husband almost immediately said: “I was married. Now divorced. Let's live together." His mother also convinced me: "You will be happy together." I knew him well, even before the relationship, so I decided to give it a try.
Once we started living together, signs appeared almost immediately. One day we were having lunch and he suddenly threw a plate at me. I couldn't understand why this was happening, maybe he didn't like food or something was wrong. The first time, I simply endured.
I grew up in a family where my father respected my mother, my first husband loved and cared for me. I had never experienced anything like this. Therefore, At first I could not even believe that I was being abused. On one side there was shock, on the other — fear.
When I told my mother-in-law about it and that I wanted to leave, she said “the moment you leave. Said that I want to leave him. And she answers: "As soon as you leave, another woman will take him. He does not drink and makes a living. You will not find an another man like him at your age”. I stayed. Instead of saying something, asserting my boundaries, and breaking up with him, I simply took the plate out of the trash, washed it, and silently walked out of his sight.
I offered him to break up, repeated what his mother had told me. He replied: I can have a million women like you, but I have only one mother”.
Looking back, I wonder: “how could I tolerate it. I used to think the same about other women who suffered from violence. I thought: "Why do they tolerate it, why are they so afraid to leave ." I never thought I would be in their position.
After that, things got better for a while. There were outbursts of anger, but he never laid a hand on me. He swung, but didn’t beat. But then it happened again, he came home drunk one day and emotionally drained me so much that I took refuge on the driveway and spent the night there.
I called the police several times, but it didn't help much. Things would calm down at home a little for a week or two peace in our house for a week or two, and then it would start again.
I was financially dependent on him, which aggravated the situation. My mother was paralyzed. She needed someone to take care of her and he offered to provide for my family if I wanted to quit my job. I gave up everything — a job I loved, my career. I had a good job, I have a university degree. When my mother and his mother were alive, I sat at home, cooked, washed, cleaned, kept silent, endured.
For four years, violence was a part of my life. The entire time, I felt like dying. I didn't want anything. I woke up only wanting the day to end already. The neighbor constantly invited for a manicure, щк to try on a dress in the store. But I wore the same robe day after day and didn't want anything else.
"When I felt that the situation was critical, I miraculously dialed the number of the mobile team"
The breaking point for me was when he tried to beat me up. I don’t know whether he was in a bad mood or he had been drinking, but I was so scared.
I don't even remember picking up the phone and typing the number of the mobile brigade. It was like in a haze. I didn't even have this number written down anywhere.
On one of the days, when my husband was shouting very loudly, a neighbor came up to me and said: "Liuba, I can hear you fighting through the walls. This is a mobile brigade, Write down this number just in case, this is a mobile team that can help. " I didn’t, but the number somehow stuck with me and when the situation escalated, I entered the digit without thinking.
In what felt like an instant, the mobile team arrived. The girl knew exactly what to say, she smiled and hugged me and said: "Where are your shoes, let's help you get your stuff." I did not doubt that these are good people. I was immediately removed from the apartment and brought to a crisis response room, where I could stay 24 hours a day and free of charge for up to 20 days.
Soon after my arrival, I started working with a psychologist and a lawyer. At the first meeting, I just cried for two hours. Then, when I eventually calmed down, I was able to talk.
In the crisis room, I was immediately offered tea, coffee, food, a change clothes, and a shower. The girl sat on the bed with me, wrapped me in a warm blanket and hugged me until I warmed up and calmed down. It was constantly repeated that I am not alone in this world, that there is someone to stand up for me. It was like a home here. I didn't want to leave. There is a kitchen, they provided food, a shower, if you want a psychologist will come to you, or you can go to a psychologist. Employees always call and ask if you need something, how I feel, if I need to be taken somewhere. Thanks to this comfort, there was time and conditions to think about my life.
I had no idea that services like this existed before. And they are really necessary, because when I was in this crisis room, women constantly came there, some with children, some without. This is very important, because there are people who have nowhere to run. And here there is a roof over your head, comfort, care.
If it was not for the crisis room and the mobile team, maybe I would have endured the situation longer. I am grateful to each and every one who found the words of support that I needed at that time.
Now my life has fundamentally changed. I don't live with this man anymore. I changed my phone number and made sure that this person was not in my life. I was able to find a job with a team that I like.
My husband always told me: "No one cares about you." Now I know that's not true. I know that I have someone to rely on, someone who is there to pick me up if I fall. I finally feel human.
"At 60 years old, I'm finally learning to be myself"
Now I can say that I got back on my feet. I don't have to think at work, how I don't want to go home, I can now think about what everyone else does: how best to complete the task, when the salary will finally come and where I will spend it.
I can finally be in charge of my own life, I can take independent steps without looking back at anyone. I used to hear from those around me: "You have a a house, he brings money, people live in worst conditions, you should not complain." But the psychologist said that I deserve to be happy. Such a simple truth, that I could not grasp before. And it's true - I deserve it.
I still find it a little difficult to communicate with people sometimes. I'm like a rabbit, scared and cautious. But despite the fact that I am not a very young girl, I understand that it is necessary to communicate with people, to work on my phobias. And live on.
I no longer have to wake up in the middle of the night and cook because my husband wants to eat. I no longer have to iron four shirts at once so that he can choose one that suits his mood. I can lie down, read, go somewhere if I want to. A friend's daughter gave me the book "Eat, Pray, Love". I read, relax and am sure that everything will be fine with me. The time has come to live for myself.
Sometimes I walk down the street and catch myself thinking: "I can smile. I can come to the team and say what I think and not be afraid that they will shout at me, insult me, raise a hand at me." In my 60s, I'm finally learning to be myself. This is not easy. Sometimes I think: "I must have a funny look in the eyes for others." And then I stop myself and say: “Well, this is real me. This is what I wanted to say or do at that moment. Not what someone imposed on me."
I became more self-confident. I started setting goals for myself. Even if they are small, the goals to buy a dress that I like, or to learn something new. In addition, it became easier for me to accept help. But at the same time, I realized that with this help I need to do things independently.
To the new me, I want to tell her to not close herself up from the world. If you are not feeling well, get dressed and go out with people, go to one event, or volunteer for a good cause. There are many possibilities, just don't be alone with your grief.
In addition, together with a psychologist, I learned how to detect signs of violence. I will never tolerate any kind of violence again, physical or psychological. Happiness lies ahead. I know that for sure.
The UNFPA psycho-social mobile team in Zhytomyr is supported by the USAID Bureau of Humanitarian Assistance.
To receive assistance from the mobile team, contact the following numbers:
+380505275687
+380960368744
Find mobile team's contact details on the UNFPA website.
The material was created with the support of the USAID Bureau of Humanitarian Assistance. The opinions, views, and recommendations expressed in this video do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of UNFPA or the US government.
