What 33-year-old Liudmyla from Chernihiv went through could be the plot of a dark thriller. Unfortunately, this is a reality that has hardened the woman to a great extent. Since childhood, she has suffered from the abuse by her father, who, after returning from the war in Afghanistan, was alcohol-addicted and abused his wife and children. As she grew up, Liudmyla entered into a relationship with a similar scenario. 

Her story with Dmytro, who lived in the neighboring house, began just as she turned 18. The man, nearly twice her age at the time, had his own jewelry business and involved his beloved in his work. However, he did not pay Liudmyla a salary but instead compensated her with purchases, completely controlling her economically.

Dmytro’s unprovoked outbursts of uncontrollable aggression occurred from the very beginning. In the first year of their relationship, he seriously injured her for the first time during a business trip to Donetsk. The reason was water that spilled in the hotel bathroom. However, it turned out that the cause was faulty plumbing in the hotel.

"He strangled me, scratched my face and neck, tore the earrings from my ears, and then threw his socks at me, forcing me to soak up the water with them. I sat there, crying and soaking the water. I was in a foreign city, 19 years old, without even enough money for a ticket home," the woman says.

Life under total control

According to Liudmyla, Dmytro always treated her as his property: he restricted her communication with others and controlled her every step. This continued even though the couple lived separately—in neighboring houses. He managed to do this partly due to the support from Liudmyla’s father, who would let Dmytro into the house even in the middle of the night "for a bottle."

"I couldn't go to the store across the street without him accompanying me. He took my SIM card so I couldn’t talk to my friend. When I went to the clinic by trolleybus, he would get in his car and follow me to make sure I couldn’t be talking to anyone," the survivor says.

In the third year of their relationship, Liudmyla became pregnant. Her entire family opposed the birth of the child. Her mother feared additional responsibility, while her father and brother reproached her, saying she would give birth to a "bastard" and a "freak." Dmytro's reaction was also telling. Instead of joy and support, he gave Liudmyla money for an abortion, but she decided to have the baby.

At the maternity hospital, she found out that Dmytro's ex-girlfriend had given birth just a few days earlier. According to him, he had broken up with his ex before courting Liudmyla. For several weeks, Dmytro denied his paternity while visiting his ex-girlfriend both in the maternity hospital and at her home after she was discharged.
 

Eventually, Liudmyla got the truth from Dmytro. In response, he not only blamed her for his infidelity—claiming she didn't satisfy all his sexual needs—but also brutally beat her, even though she had undergone a C-section just three weeks earlier.

"He started taking all the belongings he had bought for me instead of giving me a salary. He forced me, even with my stitches, to move furniture from my house to his. I thought then, well, if you don't consider this mine, then fine," the survivor said.

On the agreed date for registering the child at the registry office, Dmytro did not show up. Liudmyla registered her son under her name alone, which exposed her to another wave of criticism and manipulation. "He started messing with my head about what I had done. From then on, he blamed me for everything, and I believed him," she says.

Alone with violence

Liudmyla's family did not support her either. Due to pressure from them and fears that her son would grow up without a father, Liudmyla forgave Dmytro, and he acknowledged paternity.

For the next three years, the couple continued living separately. Dmytro visited her periodically, but mostly not to help with the child, but rather for sexual intimacy. At the same time, he also supported his ex-girlfriend and their son, who lived nearby. However, his cruelty towards Liudmyla only intensified over time. The woman didn't dare to break ties because of her intense fear and economic dependence, she said.

"I realized that I couldn't support my child financially on my own because he covered our son's needs beyond what I received for child support. I continued to work for him, but I had no money of my own. In essence, he was paying me by providing for our son," Liudmyla says.

She first turned to the police when there was a direct threat to her life and her family's lives. Late on Easter night, a drunk Dmytro opened fire at their house because of a comment about loud music. But that terrifying evening did not end there. He burst into Liudmyla’s room, then smashed the electronics, and beat her and her parents.  Liudmyla was astonished when her father defended Dmytro upon the police's arrival.

"Even the police said that he should have been protecting his daughter, not him," the survivor says. According to her, the police did not respond appropriately to the situation, despite her filing a report. At that time, the country had not yet passed specialized legislation, and domestic violence was largely perceived as a private family matter.

According to Liudmyla, she withdrew her report and could not end the relationship due to "naivete and fear". Almost a year later, the same thing happened again. That evening, she went bowling with friends. A few hours later, her mother called her in tears, begging her to come home, because Dmytro had threatened to burn down the house.

"When I arrived, he dragged me into the yard, choked me, and beat me," Liudmyla said.

Child welfare is the main motivator

The last straw for the woman was when Dmytro beat her in front of her child. What frightened her most, she said, was realizing that her son could grow up to be like his father. As a reaction to Liudmyla's decision to end the relationship, her husband took all of her and her son's belongings, leaving only a crib and a children's bicycle. However this time, she stood firm and did not succumb to Dmytro's manipulations and pleas for reconciliation.

Then came the threats with weapons. "He held a rifle to me. At that moment, I wasn't even afraid of dying. My only fear was that if he fired, my child would go deaf and be traumatized,"  the survivor said.

Miraculously, she escaped and managed to call the police, but was disappointed by their response. The police did not believe her and only sent a district officer. Impunity only emboldened the man. Liudmyla's life became one of constant fear and anticipation of the next episode of terror.

"I even taped up the windows so that he could not see that I was awake and working at night. I only went to bed when I was sure he had turned off the light and gone to sleep. There were nights when he broke the door, climbed through the roof, and threw bottles at my windows. It was such hell that I fled my own home with my child," the survivor said. 

Dmytro couldn't accept other men in Liudmyla's life. Once, he attacked her boyfriend with a knife on her doorstep. Opening a criminal case and getting a sentence for minor injuries didn't stop him. The next time he used a firearm and wounded her boyfriend in the leg. "Eventually, I decided to end the relationship because I realized that sooner or later he would kill him and I would feel guilty," says the survivor.

Even moving to another part of the city after marrying another man did not save Liudmyla from the terror. Dmytro tracked down and stalked her. Additionally, through intimidation and threats, he managed to turn her husband against her. Ultimately, the marriage lasted only two years as Liudmyla refused to endure another abuser.

Long-awaited happiness

In her current marriage to Oleksandr, Liudmyla has found happiness in a healthy partnership. However, she admits that at first she found it difficult to trust him and was constantly on the lookout for any sign of deception. According to Liudmyla, besides showing her love and care, and faith in his partner, Oleksandr was also the first to confront her former abuser and put him in his place.

Dmytro began to interact with Liudmyla much less frequently, only during her visits to her parents and at his rare meetings with their son. As the child grew older, Dmytro began to show aggression towards him as well.  "My son was afraid of him. He constantly yelled at him and insulted him. My son even screamed in his sleep," says Liudmyla.

The father's toxicity affected his son

As her son became a teenager, Liudmyla noticed changes in his behavior, which worsened significantly after meetings with his father. Additionally, after each visit with Dmytro, the boy suffered from enuresis.

For psychological support for her child, Liudmyla first turned to a mobile psychosocial team, which helps survivors of domestic violence, among others. Liudmyla found the team's contacts online. The psychologists' work not only helped resolve health issues but also helped in determining the child's future. The team's conclusion about Dmytro's negative impact on the child's health was crucial in the court's decision to strip him of his parental rights at the end of 2023.

Working with the psychologists also opened a box of unprocessed emotions for Liudmyla. "At that time, I didn't give myself the moral right to give up, I had a child and I had to take care of him, to work hard, and not focus on my feelings," the survivor says. "I could cry when no one saw, but I had no time or opportunity to focus on myself or see a psychologist. I also felt ashamed. Now it feels like a weight has been lifted."

Now Liudmyla’s past is truly behind her. She is not ashamed of it for a moment and asks to be called by her real name in the story. She sincerely hopes that her experience will help others in similar circumstances to make the right choice. The only regret she has is that during her personal hell, she was left alone.

"Unfortunately, there were no services like these back then. It would have been a huge support for me. I wanted to leave, but I was afraid. "Maybe if I had seen an ad for help in a store, everything would have ended earlier," Liudmyla says.

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Chernihiv is one of the cities participating in the UNFPA project "Cities and Communities Free from Domestic Violence".

There is already a center for social and psychological assistance, a crisis room, and a mobile team that responds to cases of domestic violence. For more information about specialized services in Chernihiv and other cities and communities in Ukraine, please follow the link to the Break the Circle project.

The mobile teams operate with the support of UNFPA, the United Nations Population Fund in Ukraine, in coordination with the Office of the Vice Prime Minister for European and Euro-Atlantic Integration and the Ministry of Social Policy of Ukraine.

The work of the crisis room and the daycare center for social and psychological support is made possible by the ‘Cities and Communities Free from Domestic Violence’ project. The project is being implemented in cooperation with the Ministry of Social Policy of Ukraine, with the support of the governments of Canada and the United Kingdom as part of the UNFPA program on preventing and counteracting gender-based violence.